Crossroads

On my way to the bar Saturday night I stop to get gas. A cute guy pulls in across from me. I smile. He strikes up a conversation. I leave the gas station feeling pretty cocky. I just got hit on…by a cute guy…while pumping gas! I walk into the bar still feeling pretty good about myself. I’m hot and I know it but not to the point where I needed knocked down a few notches…or so I thought. The 60-something lizard lady who’s working the door asks for my ID. As she’s scrutinizing my driver’s license, I can tell she’s doing the math in her head. Then she said something that shook my newly gained confidence. You look good…for your age. SSSHhhuh, what??!!

Admittedly, I’m a little sensitive about my age. I turned 35 at the beginning of the year. It hit me really hard and I spent the months before my birthday mourning the loss of my youth. I could no longer use “I’m young and stupid” as an excuse for my actions. I had reached the age of “knowing better” and “being a grown up”. Whatever the hell that meant. People tell you things like that your entire life but there eventually comes an age where they actually expect you to do it. After the mourning period was up, I realized that I was actually upset because I hadn’t accomplished the things I had expected to at this point in my life.

• Husband who adores me? Not even in th ball park
• Kids? Umm, don't you have to have sex for that????
• House? Check
• Surrounded by family and friends? Check
• Fun, full life? Umm, not as fun or as full as I had originally planned

2 out of 5…is that bad? It sounds bad. I was at the crossroads and I had a decision to make. I could continue down the same road wishing for the things that were missing in my life and wondering why they never had materialized. I could leave the comfortable, well-worn road I was traveling and find a new path…one with hills, valleys and I’m sure a few bumps along the way. The movie that was my future ran through my head…Bitter, party of 1,…Saturday nights spent in front of the TV with my flavorful friends Ben & Jerry,…Isn’t she the old lady with all the cats? Eww, I don’t think so. Besides, I’m not a cat person. I step up to the crossroad and look right then left. I don’t think it matters which way I go as long as I turn.

This is my first step down the new road. Blogging is something I’ve wanted to do but was too afraid to take the chance that someone wouldn’t like me or what I had to say. Would anyone comment? Would someone think I’m, gulp, stupid? It’s not about the fear of failure anymore. It’s all about taking chances now. Who cares if I fail? At least I can say I did it. I’m sliding into the grave with a bottle of Patron in one hand and a lime in the other (someone pleaaasssee drop a salt shaker in the casket!). This is the journal of the things I do and the random thoughts that pass through my head along the way.

And to the lizard lady who ID’d me…. You’re damn right I look good for my age and I’ll look even better next year.