Lessons Learned
From time to time I use online dating to supplement my social life. Usually it’s because I’ve grown tired of the bar scene and my friends…well, my friends tend to set me up with anyone who is single with little regard to whether I actually have anything in common with that person. Most people get suspicious when their friends fix them up with someone who has a “great personality”. When I hear the words, “he’s perfect for you” chills run down my spine. Actually, some funny stories have come out of that which I’ll post about at some point.
Yesterday someone online asked what I had learned from past relationships. It was an interesting question. I think we take away a little piece of something from each relationship but I don’t think we always realize the lessons we’ve learned.
I’ve definitely learned more about what I want and don’t want in a partner. Ten years ago I would have said that I wanted a good-looking guy with a decent job and nice teeth. Ok…that’s half the population. Now that list has evolved into someone who can make me laugh when I’m having a bad day, can share financial responsibility, is open to compromise and is reliable. Each new relationship adds another definition to the list.
I’ve learned that you teach people how to treat you. If someone repeatedly treats me in an unacceptable manner it’s because I have taught them that it’s acceptable to do so. Looking back on my life, I should have learned this lesson much sooner than I did. It’s funny what faults of our own we put off as the faults of others.
I’ve learned that sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time. I never used to believe in “timing”. I thought of it as a convenient excuse people used to cover up inadequacies similar to the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. Honestly, sometimes it’s not you but rather what’s going on in my life and what I need, or think I need, that influences a relationship. I’ve learned that timing can mean just as much as chemistry does to a relationship.
I’ve learned that relationships don’t have to end badly. Life is too short to waste time trying to hurt someone just because things didn’t work out as you had hoped. As a matter of fact, I’m still friends with most of the guys I’ve dated long term.
And I’ve learned that sometimes, when relationships have been patched too many times, you have to walk away to maintain your own sanity.
Yesterday someone online asked what I had learned from past relationships. It was an interesting question. I think we take away a little piece of something from each relationship but I don’t think we always realize the lessons we’ve learned.
I’ve definitely learned more about what I want and don’t want in a partner. Ten years ago I would have said that I wanted a good-looking guy with a decent job and nice teeth. Ok…that’s half the population. Now that list has evolved into someone who can make me laugh when I’m having a bad day, can share financial responsibility, is open to compromise and is reliable. Each new relationship adds another definition to the list.
I’ve learned that you teach people how to treat you. If someone repeatedly treats me in an unacceptable manner it’s because I have taught them that it’s acceptable to do so. Looking back on my life, I should have learned this lesson much sooner than I did. It’s funny what faults of our own we put off as the faults of others.
I’ve learned that sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time. I never used to believe in “timing”. I thought of it as a convenient excuse people used to cover up inadequacies similar to the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. Honestly, sometimes it’s not you but rather what’s going on in my life and what I need, or think I need, that influences a relationship. I’ve learned that timing can mean just as much as chemistry does to a relationship.
I’ve learned that relationships don’t have to end badly. Life is too short to waste time trying to hurt someone just because things didn’t work out as you had hoped. As a matter of fact, I’m still friends with most of the guys I’ve dated long term.
And I’ve learned that sometimes, when relationships have been patched too many times, you have to walk away to maintain your own sanity.
posted by xwy at 9:36 AM
8 Comments:
I feel the need to actively search but, if it doesn't happen, that will be ok too.
Dinner? Sure can we double with PQ and Raul? lol.
Thoughtful. Thinking of your comment that you teach people how you want to be treated; Don Miquel Ruiz sez we allow another to abuse us only as much as we are willing to abuse ourselves. I think these are twin thoughts; his and yours? And it places you in intellectual company for sure.
Awww, Rick, you're too kind. Actually, you may have guided me to a new book to read. I googled Ruiz and found his teachings interesting. I guess I'll be off to Barnes & Noble sometime this week! Thanks!!
My prediction is that you will not be sorry at all for reading Ruiz, particularly 'Four Agreements'. His writing style is not appealing to me, but his intellect and his lessons are profound and original.
Whoa! Have you two cleared this "date" with The Peanut King? He's not into "sharing" me...not even with my constituents! ;)
And Angie, you hit the nail on the head with SO MANY of those statements. I loved the "I’ve learned that you teach people how to treat you." That is SO true!
Just like I've found that once you start doing something for someone, they eventually expect you to do it for them all the time....so if you don't want to be doing it for the rest of your life, don't start.
Example: I get The PK's coffee ready for him every morning...I did it when we first got together because I thought it'd be a nice gesture....so I'd make his cup and bring it to wherever he was bedroom, bathroom, etc.) And now, if I don't do it, he gets kinda pissy with me sometimes. Why? Because it's EXPECTED of me.
I sitll love him...but no one should ever wonder why I drink too much. ;)
Rick - I like what he says about not taking things personally. That what others say and do is a projection of their own reality.
PQ - I would never try to "de-throne" PK!! I know what you mean about expectations. It makes you think twice about doing nice things for people. Maybe that's what's wrong with the world???
Hi Angie, followed you over from Skye's site. Really enjoyed this post, I've been learning a fair bit myself about relationships recently...if only we had learned some of this stuff earlier huh? lol
As far as I'm concerned, it's all relevant, and I think you're quite right when you said "timing can mean just as much as chemistry...". There really are so many contributing factors aren't there?
Great post.
Hi, Lisa! It would have been a lot easier if they had just handed me a book at high school graduation and said "read this!", but I guess that would have taken all the fun out of life!
Post a Comment
<< Home