HERE is not THERE

I read an article the other day that American’s are failing in the bedroom because we don’t communicate our needs to each other. I’m personally guilty of this. I’ll move my hips, wiggle around and do my best contortionist impression to get the angle I desire rather than just say “could you move a few inches to the left?” This person has seen me naked, knows where my few extra pounds are hidden, knows that my mascara is water-proof but not sleep-proof and has seen the little string of drool fall from my mouth and land on the pillow. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t feel comfortable asking this person to move in a way that would bring me to the brink of pleasure. But…there is.

One guy I dated wasn’t particularly that great with his tongue. He thought he was and insisted on starting every session this way. Ever seen someone actually lick the last morsel off their plate? That’s what it felt like except he was all over the plate. I had this mental image that, in his head, he was chasing the last drop of ice cream around the bottom of the bowl. I know enough about men to know that their egos are rather delicate so I decided to clue him into my needs by sound. When he would hit the right spot by accident, I’d moan…LOUDLY. Thinking of Pavlov’s experiment, surely he would understand that no moaning = bad, moaning = good, moaning loudly = motherload. Nope. Then I decided to wiggle around a bit and put myself in a position to where he’d have to hit the right spot. Ever seen those gymnasts during the floor exercise when they sit on the floor and arch their backs so high that their head touches the floor? Needless to say that session ended early due to back spasms. Finally, the next time when he made his way down my body, I decided I had no choice but to talk to him. “Honey, do you think you could maybe target a little higher this time?” “Sure, here ok?” Amazing! A choir sang Hallelujah in my head. He’d figured it out. I was an idiot. He hadn’t taken this as criticism but rather just as me stating what I needed. Why had I not thought about this sooner???

But, I’d spoken to soon. After a minute, he was back to his old position. The voice inside my head was screaming “higher, higher, THAT IS NOT HIGHER!!” I was trying to stay calm but the only thing I could think was “if this one is THE one, I better get used to watching TV during this part…and pray that there’s porn on.” This man needed an anatomy lesson. I sat up and put my finger where I had been desperate for his tongue to be.
“See where my finger is? THAT’S where you need to be.”
“But that’s where I was.”
“No, you were HERE,” I said while waving my finger, “HERE is not THERE.”
“It’s not like I can SEE where I’m AIMING, Angie”

I could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. In my frustration I had bruised an ego and there was no turning back. As much as I tried to reassure him there was no getting past or taking back that 2 second conversation. That, my dear sirs, is why no matter how many surveys you conduct, we will wiggle, contort and moan to communicate our needs but we will never actually speak them out loud.