A Question for the Married Ones
I've noticed a trend with my married friends lately. It seems that they are all coming to me for advice on the same issue. I'm not sure why...being the one person they know who has never been married would seem to make me unqualified to give advice on this situation.
Most of my married female friends complain because their husbands are rarely home. The husbands work full-time, maintain the house and yard and play golf or have some other interest/hobby. This becomes a bone of contention with the wives because they feel that the husbands are not interacting with the kids enough or just not home enough and the wives feel that they are left to make up the difference. Most of the wives do not have activities or interests outside of the home. Their lives are spent working, taking care of the house and the children. They feel guilty if they leave the house to enjoy another activity because working full-time takes enough time away from the house and the kids. Much fighting and crying is done over this issue. Several have threatened to leave and all have given me advice to skip the marriage and just have the kids "because you end up doing it all yourself anyway".
Conversley, I have a male friend who confides in me about his marriage. He works full-time, maintains the house, the yard and has a part-time job that he performs on most weekends (he's in a band so I really feel it's a hobby/job). He maintains the part-time job to help pay support for his 2 children from previous marriages while maintaining his current family in the lifestyle they are accustomed to. His wife criticizes him constantly for not being home or not interacting with the kids enough when he is home. He feels that everything he does is wrong because nothing he does seems to please his wife. He feels guilty for spending time away from the kids but doesn't see a way to maintain a better balance between work and home and still provide for his family. I think his wife feels the same way that the wives do in the situation I described above.
I'm curious if this is typical of the early years of a marriage? It would seem that balance is key to any resolution of this situation. I've tried to convince my female friends to get a hobby or find an activity outside the home to create more balance in their lives. The response I usually get involves the guilt factor. I guess I compare it to work. When I'm burnt out at work I don't perform to the best of my abilities; I don't have the energy to give 100%. After awhile, I start to resent those that I work for and with because they're pushing to expend more energy than I can give at that moment. I take vacation to avoid burn-out (which didn't work this last time). Having an outside hobby or activity is like a vacation in that sense.
At the same time, if both husband and wife are out of the house maintaining the balance in their lives who's watching the kids? Most of you are married, what are your thoughts or suggestions?
Most of my married female friends complain because their husbands are rarely home. The husbands work full-time, maintain the house and yard and play golf or have some other interest/hobby. This becomes a bone of contention with the wives because they feel that the husbands are not interacting with the kids enough or just not home enough and the wives feel that they are left to make up the difference. Most of the wives do not have activities or interests outside of the home. Their lives are spent working, taking care of the house and the children. They feel guilty if they leave the house to enjoy another activity because working full-time takes enough time away from the house and the kids. Much fighting and crying is done over this issue. Several have threatened to leave and all have given me advice to skip the marriage and just have the kids "because you end up doing it all yourself anyway".
Conversley, I have a male friend who confides in me about his marriage. He works full-time, maintains the house, the yard and has a part-time job that he performs on most weekends (he's in a band so I really feel it's a hobby/job). He maintains the part-time job to help pay support for his 2 children from previous marriages while maintaining his current family in the lifestyle they are accustomed to. His wife criticizes him constantly for not being home or not interacting with the kids enough when he is home. He feels that everything he does is wrong because nothing he does seems to please his wife. He feels guilty for spending time away from the kids but doesn't see a way to maintain a better balance between work and home and still provide for his family. I think his wife feels the same way that the wives do in the situation I described above.
I'm curious if this is typical of the early years of a marriage? It would seem that balance is key to any resolution of this situation. I've tried to convince my female friends to get a hobby or find an activity outside the home to create more balance in their lives. The response I usually get involves the guilt factor. I guess I compare it to work. When I'm burnt out at work I don't perform to the best of my abilities; I don't have the energy to give 100%. After awhile, I start to resent those that I work for and with because they're pushing to expend more energy than I can give at that moment. I take vacation to avoid burn-out (which didn't work this last time). Having an outside hobby or activity is like a vacation in that sense.
At the same time, if both husband and wife are out of the house maintaining the balance in their lives who's watching the kids? Most of you are married, what are your thoughts or suggestions?
posted by xwy at 1:53 PM
16 Comments:
Oh goody.. I get to go first.. Ron and I have been married for 2 and a half yrs.. Ron works full time.. I do not.. When he is home.. we are together.. we enjoy each other's company.. he is my best friend.... if he wanted to go out golfing, fishing, whatever.I would be fine with that.. I don't have any guilt about having hobbies or going out with friends.. I am an adult and a complete person.. I need to do adult things.. not just stay home and be a mommy all the time .. yeah my kids are older now.. but I still have a 10 yr old at home and I think he benefits from me having me time rather than being a housedrudge all the time.. Ron benefits from it too.. we all do.. I think you are right on target to advise your friends to find hobbies.. I will have to disagree with them about the not getting married thing.. with the right person marriage is a wonderful place to be.. I will tell ya though most of the time. When one of us goes out the other is there.. we just love being together.. does that make us strange as married people go?
Okay i'm going on 12 years of marraige and we have 20 month old. Although I have bitched in the past about Stacy going fishing, he is really a wonderful Daddy. He makes sure to take up time with Madison every day and he is sensitive to my "me time" also. In that, I am very lucky. I think in alot of relationships the men are not hands-on and do leave it up to the woman to pretty much "do it all". I told Stacy before we ever had a baby that I would not do it alone and he agreed that he wanted to do his part also. I think you really have to be clear about what you need/expect him to do.
i'm going to have to think on this. there is so much i would like to say. but i would have a whole post. first of all, i really agree with tammy about being a whole person and not just an extension of the husband. striking a balance is never easy. sounds like to me your female friends need to get out on their own more. same goes for your male friend's wife. what do they expect of the poor men anyway? i was married for nearly 14 years, and it was all about work, but rather than bitch about the time he was spendning working (which was for the benefit of tha family as a whole), i took up interests to me. in this day and age, independance and balance are difficult to find, but it can be done.
when i was little, my mom stayed home, dad worked, the house was kept in order, there was always good meals made, i went without nothing, and not once did i hear my mother complain. that was the way it was. the yard was kept perfectly, and we did do family vacations. mom had interests outside the home.
while i was married, i did the same ( i worked full time, kept house, and worked along side ex with a farm. he had no hobbies, i did, but he didn't get his knickers in a twist about it. i say shit or get off the pot to your friends. learn how to create a balance, unless you want to lose the style to which you are accustomed, stop whining.
Angie,
This question has twisted me up enough that I have had trouble getting over to try and articulate an understandable statement.
I think this canvas is almost too big for painting in a comment box.
It deserves even more than a post. It could be a book!
I have some very caustic thoughts about women that want to be married and have kids and then end up grumping and grousing about having kids and being married while husband spends his time supporting them.
I mean it actually sounds a bit retarded when you write it out loud doesn't it?
Still, I know some men can be very insensitive, so like I say, maybe it will take a book for this one.
You snd your cans of worms!
Here's a solution I've even put in numbered steps
1) Sell The kids
2) Invest the money from the sale in some kind of monthly income plan.
3) Resign job.
4) Leave husband/wife.
5) Buy villa in the Spanish coast.
6) Retire to above mentioned villa.
Tammy - Most of my friends have kids under 4 and in a more dependent stage so that may be part of the issue.
I think it's great that you & Ron enjoy spending time together. After all, isn't that what marriage is supposed to be about?
Cakes - I agree with the "hands on" statement. Some guys are naturally kid friendly and some view them in the way most women view tools, "great but what am I supposed to do with it?"
Jackt - I agree, thinking out of the box is the way to go with kids.
Poet - Most of the females don't bitch so much about the time spent working as much as lack of interaction with the rest of the family when the husband's away from work.
Rick - I had trouble articulating the problem so I can understand your dilemma. I tied both scenarios together because I thought I was seeing 2 sides of the same coin but maybe that wasn't the case.
I think the issue in the female scenario is more of the husband spends 6 hours playing 18 holes of golf while the wife is at home listening to the baby walk into every room in the house saying "Daddy gone". Admittedly, that would tear at your heart after a while. Especially when he spends the remainder of the evening glued to the TV. Unloving father? No. Insensitive to the situation? Yes.
Now, I do think if the females had interests outside the home it would (a) re-charge them, (b) make them realize that the kids will be ok without them for a few hours and (c) make the husband witness the "mommy gone" scenario so that he better understands his wife's concerns.
The male scenario I described is a little different. There's a lot more going on there. I've seen this guy get home from a gig at 4am and get back up at 8 am to go to church with his family. It's not like he doesn't try. His wife could benefit from time outside the house but, frankly, she has a very selfish and very caustic personality.
I think the difference is level of insensitivity of the spouse. In the first scenario the wife is really just saying "hey, could you dangle a toy in front of the kid while you're watching TV or read her a book during that commercial?"
SJ - I like your idea the best! Since I don't have any kids, can I sell someone else's?
Yep, I understand. I think this one is one of those questions you can talk about several days and not have an answer becasue it is so couple and circumstance specific.
Maybe we could establish a "Can of Worms' round-table with Stormy at the helm?
It's tough to strike a balance and even nowadays with both parents working, more of the house and childcare goes to the woman. They've done many studies on it and the numbers (hour) differences are shocking. I still see the atiitude that the father/husband and come and go as he pleases while the women must find the babysitter, make the arrangements, etc. Happily there are some exceptions to this stereotypical situation.
Rick - If Stormy was at the helm, all we'd ever discuss would be sex! ;)
she Angie..
One more comment and I'll shut up.. I promise.. ok..I'll try to.. when my kids were little.. and I have 4 of the lil buggers it was still important for me to have interests outside the home or outside my job.. I have worked all of my life sometimes 60 hrs a week.. until the last 2 yrs.. anyways.. I strongly urge your friends to get some interests of their own.. and I so agree with you on the sensitivity of the spouse.. If they don't have any.. then they will never get it..which makes getting a life of your own even more important.. I know child care and day care cost money.. but for their sanity.. it is worth every penny..
pbs - thanks for stopping by! I've seen those stats before and they are shocking. I'm glad to hear that it doesn't have to always be that way. It gives me hope!
Tammy - No...it's like Rick said, this topic could go on for days with no solution so feel free to speak your peace. You and I both know from experience that some men will never change because they don't desire to...and you will lose your sanity trying to make it happen.
very good post. it's a tough question. i've always believed that no one has ever gone to their death bed thinking "if only i'd spent more time working harder." i think most regret not spending time with their kids and wives. that's why i don't work. just kidding. but i don't golf, and fuck it, the wife does the yard. actually, she enjoys it, it's her stress relief, believe it or not.
i treasure time with my kids. we try to do a lot together. i think if you gave the kids a choice and asked, a new TV and DVD player, or some time spent together, they'd go for the time. and if they don't, you're really fucking up in the parenting department. my 2 cents worth.
JD - I agree. I try not to work at all but...well, that damn paycheck thing. Your wife does the yard work????? Will she come do mine??
Oh, that's a hard one. I've been married 16 years, been with my husband 18 years and it is now to the point that I barely remember life without him. Marriage is tough; you need balance, communication and you need to be away from it all sometimes. Too many couples get emmeshed or they start controling their spouse either passive-aggressively or blatently. No one wants to be a prisoner. I will not lie and say that I know the secret to a good marriage: we have gone through everything that could possibly take any marriage down, but we love each other and stay loyal. It is a very difficult process.
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