But Does It Work in Reality?
In my younger days, I went through a period where I thought friendships with benefits were the perfect situation. Needs were met without the drama associated with relationships. No worrying if he would call, if he heard me burp after downing that beer, what exactly he thinks of me…and all the other normal drama. Of course, it didn’t take long to figure out there were major flaws in my theory.
Sex, to the single person, is like eating Taco Bell. Once you’ve had it you want it all the time until you’ve had enough to tide you over for a while. After a while I realized that all that sex without attachments just left me longing for the attachments even more. Yes, it’s great to find a willing participant to have wild, monkey sex on the kitchen floor. But returning to an empty bed made the reality of being alone even harsher.
There also can be a certain amount of drama associated with these types of relationships. Sometimes one participant starts looking for attachments inside the relationship resulting in an end to the benefits and most often the friendship. So I made a solemn vow that sex without attachment was not on my agenda.
Which was a great idea…..in theory. And would work if there was a steady flow of committed partners in ones life. But without that flow, it just made for more cravings. We’ve already discussed BOB’s deficiencies. So where does that leave a girl? Is it possible to allow a friend certain benefits without ruining the friendship?
Sex, to the single person, is like eating Taco Bell. Once you’ve had it you want it all the time until you’ve had enough to tide you over for a while. After a while I realized that all that sex without attachments just left me longing for the attachments even more. Yes, it’s great to find a willing participant to have wild, monkey sex on the kitchen floor. But returning to an empty bed made the reality of being alone even harsher.
There also can be a certain amount of drama associated with these types of relationships. Sometimes one participant starts looking for attachments inside the relationship resulting in an end to the benefits and most often the friendship. So I made a solemn vow that sex without attachment was not on my agenda.
Which was a great idea…..in theory. And would work if there was a steady flow of committed partners in ones life. But without that flow, it just made for more cravings. We’ve already discussed BOB’s deficiencies. So where does that leave a girl? Is it possible to allow a friend certain benefits without ruining the friendship?
posted by xwy at 10:31 AM
27 Comments:
Before the relationship advice even starts...this isn't about my love life as much as it is about people in general. It started as a discussion on another blog. I'm just curious to hear your opinion.
For me casual sex never worked very well as the other person always seemed to end up with jealousy/clinging issues.
I missed the whole friends-with-benefits thing, but we did have Free Love. Actually, we had Free-Love-without-fear-of-AIDS, which was pretty cool. Personally, I needed both sex and drama when I was younger, outgrew the need for drama.
great post and very tough questions. i've been struggling with that exact question. let me know if you find a good answer. ;)
just realized how fitting the title of your blog is, lol. ;)
I can take or leave the committment, as long as we're both honest and up-front about our feelings. If one person wants to take it further than the other one, though, it can get awkward.
I think that question is usually answered in the context of our present cultural and biologic urges without regard to the possiblities inherent in thoughtful changes to both.
Another way to say this is our biologic and cultural needs propel us toward a common response time after time, even though we don't particularly like the answer/response.
The trick I think lies in 'out thinking' the biologic consideration while forward thinking the cultural implications. There are many religions that attempt to tie our pleasure needs to spiritual values in an attempt to control behaviors. These are the cultural landmines that be-devil us. And well....along with that's how children get created, which can complicate things a little....:-)...however we are not a Third World country so I assume most of us know how to prevent pregnancy.
I also think erotic pleasure is at it's best when participants have a genuine love and care for one another. Tricky business this can of worms of yours. But pleasure is not synonymous with evil and we need be ever vigilant in understanding this.
Honestly, for me, I've never really had a "friend" like that. It was either a one night stand (YEARS AND YEARS ago...pre-PK, if you will) or I was in a real relationship...no "friends with benefits"....although I will be honest...I've had guys friends that I sure wished I could have benefits with! ;)
I think it all depends on the person as an individual..I truly believe some people can mess around and have those benefits and keep it on a friendship level and some can't.
I pretty much know me...and I would be the "participant starts looking for attachments inside the relationship resulting in an end to the benefits and most often the friendship", I just know I would.
I guess my answer to your question would be a resounding YES, i believe it is possible to allow a friend certain benefits without ruining the friendship for some people...but not for me personally.
Cakes - It does seem that many of these "relationship" end due to the feelings of one participant or the other.
Rick - Aaaah, free-love-without-the-fear-of-AIDS. I outgrew the need for drama too. Too bad some of the guys in my life didn't. lol
Denny - I know what you mean...I've had that card stamped many times.
JD - no question is off limits. You of all people should know that. ;)
Grant - And I think you hit on part of the problem. I think honesty is key to these types of situations.
7 - "But pleasure is not synonymous with evil" You are correct. I think most of us realize that but it's rather the limitations of our personalities that prevent this type of situation from ending successfully. Meaning some people can separate pleasure from love and some people cannot. I'm curious as to why that is. Maybe some have better control over their emotions than others? I do agree that sex without some feeling attached to it is rather ummm, clinical. But there's a fine line between genuinely loving someone as a friend and loving them as a life partner. In these situations, that line must be clearly delineated and not crossed. The problem is I think the line is different for each person...which causes the problems.
PQ - I agree it depends on the person. I also think it depends on the situation. Meaning I may not be able to handle it in one situation but I may be perfectly comfortable with it in another...just using myself as an example.
I really thought the division would be clear among genders but it really seems to be person specific. Interesting....
hmm...being single myself off and on over the last 7 years, I've been down that track. When my husband and I first split up, I was like "OMG, where'd the sex go?". You have it on tap for all that time and then *bang* (haha) it's dried up. I was counting the days since I'd last had it...I eventually stopped counting at 11 weeks, 2 days lol
I had a f*ck buddy for several months. Just getting together with him when we wanted a shot of the good stuff. he was a great guy, we got on really well and he was great at laying in bed afterwards and cuddling up. that part surprised me. There was never the emotional tie though and I found that the hollow kind of sex wasn't for me...kinda left a bad taste in my mouth. (yeah whatever lol)
These days, when I think Im going to climb the walls or run screaming down the street with that need, I have to rely on BOB. I'm getting old...one night stands and lack of emotional attachment aren't for me anymore.
Basically I grit my teeth and sing in my head "One day my prince will come ..." lol
I bought a new key chain the other day, it says "Food has replaced sex in my life so now I can't even get into my own pants." Maybe if I show it to a few guys they'll take pity on me and then we can come back in here and discuss pity f*cks lol
i've had several and am still friends with all of them, although we haven't met for sex in a while. i think every time we did get too close, we both agreed it might not be such a good idea. yes, the sex was incredible. as long as honesty is a part of it, it can work.
and if you, PQ or Lisa ever need/want one, i can think of lots of volunteers, me included. ;)
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Lisa - Do you sing it loudly??? It does sound much better than "Breach of Contract!!!!" lol. I love that key chain...I think I need a t-shirt with that saying.
JD - Well, I'm glad to know your experiences didn't end with lawyers and restraining orders the way some do.
It all boils down to situational ethics, which I normally think of as a load of crap but on this topic I think the ethics are different based on the situation. I know you and I don't think you're a slut ;) incourageable, maybe...lol. Much love, hon.
i'll take that, lol. ;) thanks hon, have a great weekend. :)
Since Seven's response was quite reasoned, I have much less to add.
I would say, however, that there seems to be something of a "Grass is always greener" mentality going on. Married people have affairs all the time. These don't "just happen," as the wife or husband will most likely say. In fact, spouses really do seek other sexual relationships. Some want friendship in the relationship. Some do not.
In other words, I don't know if partnering would be that much different emotionally than simply having friends who conspire in bed with you. Most people seem disatisfied with what they have (whether or not they act on this disatisfaction is another matter).
In our culture, we see sex as ideal and love as ideal. And we wed (pun semi-intended) these two ideals together for social reasons. They aren't the same thing. Nor are they entirely exclusive (especially when you add Freud into the mix). Because no one lives up to the ideal (for it never existed in the first place) many people feel cheated.
Would a person who has sex with a married partner be less lonely than a person who had sex with friends? Some of the loneliest people I've known were married. Some of the most celebate people I've known were married--some of them by choice.
Conversely, as Patti-Cake and Lisa aptly point out, people choose to refrain from unencumbered sex, and I sense it's for reasons similar to those of celebate spouses: namely, the things that are turnoffs in mariage (e.g. clinginess and burnout) are also turnoffs in friendship sex as well.
I just think that individual questions on what can or cannot be done reasonably as far as sex/relationships goes...has to depend on individual answers. I don't give a rip what two consenting adults (or more) decide to do as far as sex as concerned as long as the rules are clear. The worst part of the situation is when the FWB relationship has one person getting attached with the other person NOT. I think the duty of the attached person is to announce it immediately so that the other person can stop or evaluate to take it further. That could hurt for the attached person if the answer is no, though. Still, I guess I believe that if the folks are honest with each other on what they need and what they want, it can work to a large extent.
Just not for me.
I love sex, but I have found over the years that I really, and I mean really, need it in the context of a romantic relationship rather than a friendship relationship or no relationship. It's always been BOB until I was in another relationship since I realized that simple fact.
Attachments are bondages .So keep away
from attachments.
X - "people choose to refrain from unencumbered sex" I don't know that I agree that's entirely caused by clinginess/burnout but more of what you stated earlier. We, as a society, wed sex and love together. We feel something is missing if we have one but not the other. People who are able to successfully conduct relationships of this type, be it friendship sex or celebate marriages, are able to separate the pleasures of sex from feelings of love.
Kira - I agree the answer lies in the individual and the situation. Despite the desire for sex, the need for attachment overrules. Let's face it, if the need for attachment didn't overrule, we'd all be having sex with friends.
Deepak - I don't agree that attachment necessarily equates to bondage. Bondage to me has a negative connotation. I'm not yet bitter enough about love to equate it to a negative state of mind. Thanks for stopping by!
Are you implying there is something wrong with having sex with all our friends??
7 - Most certainly not. I'm implying that if we didn't feel the need to attain perfection (i.e., sex with attachment) then sex without attachment would be accepted on a wider scale.
still a fascinating debate. i think if you strip away all the emotional debate about linking love to sex, it would change our views greatly. there must be a reason that we can copulate for pleasure and not only for procreation. otherwise, we'd only do it when the female was in heat. hey wait, in a way, that is the only time we get to do it. just kidding. ;)
It's not my personal experience that clinginess and burnout are not encountered in unecumbered sex. However, if people report such then that's definitely a possibility. Then again, the premise seems reasonable.
I, for one, genuinely appreciated Lisa and Patti Cake's contribution here because they seem to be honest expressions of shortcomings in certain types of relationships. Burnout and clinginess weren't something I considered before reading their opinions, but I do think they merit a deeper look.
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Oh, I see. I was actually being a little flippant, but I do see that I actually needed the clarification!
if a friend hurt her shoulder, who of us would deny her a backrub to make her feel better? yet because we have saddled sex with emotional attachment, that same friend who might be in need of some sexual release has to go without, because she can't possibly want sex without romance and being in love, etc. yes, the example is a bit overstated, and yet, why is sex viewed that way? just more worms we're letting out of the can, lol.
JD - Not only do we copulate for pleasure...we have devices so we don't even need a partner!
X - Funny, clinginess has always been my experience in friendship sex...sometimes exhibited by me, sometimes by the other person. I really think that was what brought the issue up for me...what's different about each situation that causes that type of response?
7 - I knew you were being flippant. Besides, I don't care if you do have sex with all your friends...brown-eyed girl might feel differently, though.... ;)
JD - my shoulder hurts....
Seriously, I think it just depends on the person and their ability to separate sex and love. Neither party is wrong in their ability to do it or their inability to do it. It boils down to personal choice.
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