Corporate Wisdom #578
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Employee Satisfaction........
Subject entire staff to employee satisfaction survey to prove how wonderful the company is to its employees. When survey results indicate that the employees are not the happy little bees you thought they were, force middle management to brainstorm initiatives to ensure the next survey will yield better results. Tada! Announce to all employee's that they will only be eligible for their full raise and/or bonus if the results of the employee satisfaction survey increase by at least 5% each year.
Act surprised when subsequent employee satisfaction surveys result in 100% satisfaction!! Send email to staff announcing that this significant increase couldn't have happened without the hard work of the management staff and "please let them all know what you think of them".
Ummm, do you really want me to do that?????
posted by xwy at 9:14 PM
14 Comments:
Clever and so much truth
Hmmm, do you work at my company? Of course, then you have to add that after the survey, Bonuses are cut and annual raises are reduced to 1.7 percent (oh yeah, and raise health care).
Of course this is all until the NEXT employee satisfaction survey. Hmmmm, do I sound bitter?
7 - well, that's because it's a true story. I guess I do need to thank them for providing so much blog fodder.
gkw - I don't think so, unless your company waited until after the survey to announce that employees will now have to pay to park in the employee parking lot...which is the only parking lot anywhere near the building.
Sounds just like where I worked in Corporate Hell before I made my escape. They are always SO surprised when the surveys show anything other than mindless-happy-little-worker-sheep.
Here's what people really thought:
Uh Yeah. People sorta got upset when you cut staff and didn't replace them so everyone got more work. Then you told everyone NO OVERTIME so they can't possibly ever get out of the backlog hole they are in. Then you cut out the christmas bonuses. Then you sold the company. The new company changed the benefits and our co-pays are higher. We went from 900 employees to 95,000. HR is a far away place that seems like an illusion. The new company then decided we had to pay for parking after many of us parked free for 20+ years. Then they decided they wouldn't continue to provide the coffee service anymore. Branches start closing. Threat of departmental downsizing...What would be next---no more paychecks??!! (Should we all hide our staplers?? LOL)
I gave them 30 days notice - since I knew when I was moving to Chicago. That day was a good one.
Then the day I sent the email to the staff, announcing my farewell was liberating.
Then I boxed my stuff and took it home over a couple days that last week. It was a little sad, but the excitement was building.
My very last day, I walked out of there and got to my car, in my free parking spot with the sign emblazoned with my name...and stared at the building. I cried for a minute, thinking of the 15 years I'd spent there....and then I turned on "Walking On Sunshine" and cranked it full blast and drove home singing and laughing!! lol
Unbelievable and yet, I do believe it. Corporate environment is ... well it's unspeakable at times. SO much BS that it's unreal. and they NEVER want to know how you REALLY feel!
If you're at 100%, how will you improve? Of course, management doesn't really understand real math, so if you tell them you are 105% satisfied next year, they'll believe it.
I'll have to post some of my own employee satisfaction experiences someday.
Angie - LOL, They made the employees pay to use the employee parking lot! OK, keep that one to yourself, otherwise they'll start cutting it out of next month's check!
sounds like where i work too, sheesh. ;) great post, funny and sad at the same time. ;)
Welcome to Dilbertville. One of the companies I do work for does user surveys, sampling .0001% of their users. When one person changes their vote, there's "remarkable improvement."
That's TRUE !!!!! No way.
Um, while the company is busy stiff-arming it's employees to say "Thank you, Sir. May I have another?" employee morale has probably tanked further. More money won't keep a workforce happier longer.
I think that most upper-level management realizes that old systems of KITA (which stands for "Kick in the Pants"--a Neanderthal method of motivating employees) does little good in terms of improving job satisfaction. But in the long run, it might be more cost-efficient to pay more than to let workers control more of their environment, which actually would improve employee morale.
But your bosses have done that one better. They're not actually paying out money. They're simply threatening to withhold a scheduled increase. That way, they can pretend they have happy employees at no cost at all.
I'm sure that makes Wall St. investors mighty happy with your company. So, at least somebody's happy.
RG - Ah, the moment all of Dilbertville stood and cheered! One day I'll meet my Mr. Hottie and hopefully, make the same graceful exit!!!! Congrats to you!
Cakes - Yes, I think that's the title I'd like next....Executive VP of BS.
Denny - so true, so true
Grant - I don't think they really care about improvement past 100%, they just didn't like the 65% score of the first survey. I'm pretty sure I'm off the hook as long as I hold a gun to everyone's head and make them answer yes to every question.
Gary - true story. Luckily it's at the corporate office only.
JD - Still not fair...you have cool toys that blow stuff up.
Rick - Yes! Now you have the hang of it!!! Unfortunately with the employee satisfaction survey (which is supposed to be anonymous) they can tell who hasn't taken it and who has. And yes, now you also know why I answer yes to every question.
7 - Yes, sweetie. I really should thank them for inspiring so many posts.
X - As much as I complain, there are some great perks (why else would I stay?). They don't use KITA in a blanket manner, but rather pull it out every once in a while to remind us that it still exists.
Uh-huh. You weren't at your work computer when you typed that response to my comment, were you?
Wow. So that's the key to employee satisfaction...threaten them! I never knew. Now I do. Terrific!
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