Kill Bill Vol. IV....
...Or the story of how I met BOB.
Many moons ago, a boyfriend convinced me that I needed to buy a BOB...just for fun. Add a little spice...kick life up a notch. I wasn't really sure about it. I mean manual control was ok...but the thought of adding a few bells and whistles to the process did sound exciting. The boyfriend was a little upset that I left him at home while I went shopping but I knew that taking him with me meant getting what he wanted and not necessarily what I wanted. And let's face it....BOB should be all about what I want.
Shopping for BOB was a little overwhelming. There were more bells and whistles than I had ever imagined. Some looked realistic. Some moved. Some looked like they could bring you coffee in the morning. Some...well, I really wasn't sure what some did. Which one? Which one? Finally I settled on a bottom of the line BOB. My thought process being to try it out and then decide which bells and whistles would really make me sing Hallelujah. We'll call this model BILL to avoid confusion.
One day BILL's batteries died. Now I had changed BILL's batteries before...several times so this shouldn't have been an issue. I came home from the store and sat down on the couch, batteries in one hand, BILL in the other. I open BILL's innards and 2 batteries fall out. Certain that BILL required 3 batteries, I look inside. Sure enough, a battery was stuck at the top. Now, how do I get that out? Hmmm....I poked at the battery with a screwdriver. Nothing. Man, that thing was really stuck. *lightbulb appears* I'll tap BILL lightly on the coffee table. That should jar loose the battery. *tap, tap, tap* Still nothing. Well, if at first you don't succeed....tap harder. *WHACK, WHACK, WHACK* I tilted BILL up and something fell out at my feet. As I looked at the piece that had fallen out, a cold sweat poured over my body. Oooooh Nooooooooo!!!! Lying at my feet was BILL's little vibrating heart. I had killed BILL.
I placed BILL's little heart back in, as carefully as my shaking hands would allow, along with 2 fresh batteries. Poor BILL was never the same. He only vibrated when held at a certain angle and sounded like a truck that had downshifted one gear too many. Poor, poor BILL. *sob*
Life Lesson #8467 - never whack a BOB on the coffee table.
Many moons ago, a boyfriend convinced me that I needed to buy a BOB...just for fun. Add a little spice...kick life up a notch. I wasn't really sure about it. I mean manual control was ok...but the thought of adding a few bells and whistles to the process did sound exciting. The boyfriend was a little upset that I left him at home while I went shopping but I knew that taking him with me meant getting what he wanted and not necessarily what I wanted. And let's face it....BOB should be all about what I want.
Shopping for BOB was a little overwhelming. There were more bells and whistles than I had ever imagined. Some looked realistic. Some moved. Some looked like they could bring you coffee in the morning. Some...well, I really wasn't sure what some did. Which one? Which one? Finally I settled on a bottom of the line BOB. My thought process being to try it out and then decide which bells and whistles would really make me sing Hallelujah. We'll call this model BILL to avoid confusion.
One day BILL's batteries died. Now I had changed BILL's batteries before...several times so this shouldn't have been an issue. I came home from the store and sat down on the couch, batteries in one hand, BILL in the other. I open BILL's innards and 2 batteries fall out. Certain that BILL required 3 batteries, I look inside. Sure enough, a battery was stuck at the top. Now, how do I get that out? Hmmm....I poked at the battery with a screwdriver. Nothing. Man, that thing was really stuck. *lightbulb appears* I'll tap BILL lightly on the coffee table. That should jar loose the battery. *tap, tap, tap* Still nothing. Well, if at first you don't succeed....tap harder. *WHACK, WHACK, WHACK* I tilted BILL up and something fell out at my feet. As I looked at the piece that had fallen out, a cold sweat poured over my body. Oooooh Nooooooooo!!!! Lying at my feet was BILL's little vibrating heart. I had killed BILL.
I placed BILL's little heart back in, as carefully as my shaking hands would allow, along with 2 fresh batteries. Poor BILL was never the same. He only vibrated when held at a certain angle and sounded like a truck that had downshifted one gear too many. Poor, poor BILL. *sob*
Life Lesson #8467 - never whack a BOB on the coffee table.
posted by xwy at 8:34 AM
18 Comments:
roflmao. that's just too funny. AND i'm first!!! woohoo.
"Some looked like they could bring you coffee in the morning"
That's the kind I'm getting...;)
And I'm sorry...but the thought of you sitting there whacking your BILL on the coffee table...well, I just can't stop grinning over that mental picture! :)
Dammit, JD...I wanted firsties! I almost got you!
JD - First again?! Yes, I roflmao when I tell it now. I didn't think it was quite so funny then!
PQ - Yes, the current BOB is more of the coffee bringing variety. Don't apologize for grinning. You should hear me tell the story in person!
PQ - You should get a BOB...maybe the PK would stop being such a bugger if he knew there was competition!
beat you by two minutes, which is also how long i usually last.. ;)
PQ, i'd love to make it up to you for stealing your firsties. maybe Angie and i can come over and demo those "coffee bringing BOBs" to you... ;)
Angie, i'd love to hear you tell it in person, maybe even demonstrate it... ;)
Bwahahahaa..... I was so confused (and enlightened) at the s*x party I went to back in June. The had BOBs, BILLs, BO's you name it! So sorry BILL is, well, maimed now.
I'm beginning to understand why your blog is called "Can of Worms." Come to think of it... nevermind.
hahaha classic! My husband-to be and I both went shopping for BOB. I felt that if he was there I could at least hide my face in his chest if someone I knew walked in and saw me (oh the minds of the innocent and scaredy cats. It never crossed my mind that THEY might not want to be seen lol)
A hundred years later, I've had several BOBs (still do, although I have my favourite lol) and I've broken 4 now. But not by banging them on the coffee table. Although right now a bang on the table is sounding bloody tempting lol
I have no idea how I broke 'em. It's not like I'm throwing them around the room with incredibly passionate and mind-numbing sex is it?? *sigh*
omg, you broke several, sex with you must be incredible. :) where do i sign up? ;)
That's so sad. I hope you buried Bill with the honors due him. What's worse is that you delivered the fatal blow. I'm sure that it isn't easy, living every day with the knowledge of what you had done--especially to someone so dear to you.
I have to admit too that Bill was kind of a hardy character. If you had banged my head and taken out my heart, I wouldn't vibrate at all once the electro-chemical rattle ended. Bill might have sounded like a Mack truck going 65mph in granny gear, but at least he could talk a little. I, however, would not be as fortunate.
I've never been in the market for a BOB, so I am quite surprised that they come with bells and whistles. If they could serve coffee as well, they might be something I would consider buying to entertain guests.
LOL....*Shaking my head* That's hilarious...
I was talking with a coworker who said that she's been places where BOB can suction to the wall and has a heating unit and everything.
Every woman needs Bob (or Bill) in her life. Don't kill Bill again.
Have you tried Bugs? I heard that was a good one.
JD - demonstrate what? how to whack a BOB? :P
Cakes - Those parties are entertaining, aren't they?!
Denny - Sorry, you'll just have to search the Web for SUZIE! :(
Rick - Yes, no topic is off limits!
Lisa - "incredibly passionate and mind-numbing sex" *sigh* wouldn't that be nice?!!! Exactly the reason I need to see others, lol
X - lol....I'm coming to your place for coffee!!!
RG - Yes, I live to entertain. Come to think of it that was about the time I went from brunette to blonde....hmmmmm...coincidence?
laura - Suctions to the wall? Heating unit? Oh, my! That's a deluxe model!!!! Although, I'd hope you could take it down....that'd be kind of hard to explain to the friends...wouldn't it? lol. Thanks for stopping by!
HAHAHA That was too funny.
Wow! Well, I hope you explained to Bill it was an accident, then ;)Sure, the wacking against the table could have been the ultimate death of Bill, but face it...the extreme use of Bill probably didn't help either. Why do you think that battery was likely stuck to begin with! Haha!
No 8467 - Do not whack your BOB on a coffee table.
No 8468 - Do not whack your whacker on a coffee table.
SJ - Yes, I thought you'd enjoy that.
Kira - Well, you know how it is for those of us with extremely high libido's....
7 - *doh*
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